Sour grapes

Given my recent bad experience with a bag of acid-riddled sour sweets, I thought I’d do the good citizen thing and teach y’all a thing or two about acids. They’re sometimes benign, sometimes dangerous, you can never remember whether to add acid to water or vice versa – this post will teach you a little about the former, regrettably lost its interest along the way (as may you) and so doesn’t touch on the latter. For that kind of information, I recommend a high school text book, Chem 101 at a reputable university nearby, or alternatively a life where the excitement never allows you to descend to such depths of weekend geekiness.

So without further ado, a small introduction to four types of acid:

Amino acids

The basic building blocks of proteins. In short chains they form structures known as polypeptides, which combine in many weird and wonderful 3-d ways to form proteins, based on templates of RNA, which in turn are based on your unique DNA template. Twenty standard amino acids exist, which in combination make every protein required to maintain your body’s health. Other non-human amino acids exist, some have even been found in meteorites. Non-protein compounds containing amino acids include the sweetener aspartame, the food flavour enhancer MSG, and drugs to treat the diseases phenylketonuria and Parkinsons. 11 of the 20 human ones are manufactured by the body, 9 are considered “essential”, as they have to be consumed in food. Interesting fact: asparagine, found in asparagus, is metabolized (ie. broken down in the body) by an enzyme, asparagase, which not everyone has. Those of us blessed with the enzyme will know all about it when taking a pee after consuming asparagus – the metabolized product gives off a truly foul smell, which unmetabolized asparagine does not. I once dragged Peas into the bathroom at a dinner party after peeing to let her understand what I was talking about – remember that olfactory offence, Peas?

Consumption verdict: You’re not going to eat simple amino acids in pure form – they generally smell so vile you wouldn’t dream of it. But all food, being derived from living things, comprise proteins, which are made from amino acids. So, yawn, these get a measly taste bud cringe factor of about 0/10.

Hydrochloric acid

Formed by the aqueous solution of hydrogen chloride, this is a highly corrosive acid discovered in 800AD. In combination with nitric acid, the mixture is capable of dissolving gold, and was used by alchemists in the Middle Ages in their pursuit of the philosopher’s stone. Its importance was raised during the industrial revolution, where many uses were found for it. Global consumption of HCl is approximately 20 million tonnes annually – a substantial portion is probably used in the manufacture of illicit drugs such as heroin, cocaine and methamphetamine (if you’re not using it for this purpose but find yourself ordering hydrochloric acid in large quantities, be super aware of cops and Nigerian druglords inexplicably hiding behind your bushes).

HCl is also the major constituent of stomach (gastric) acid, produced by the parietal cells of the stomach. The body has mechanisms in place to ensure the HCl doesn’t digest your stomach epithelium away, but when these fail, heartburn and peptic ulcers arise (which is why you take so-called antacids to deal with these conditions). The condition where the stomach does not produce enough HCl is called hypochlorhydria or achorhydria. I found a handy website that helps you to measure your stomach’s HCl concentration, should you be concerned about it, or bored enough to experiment: go to a health shop, buy betaine hydrochloric tablets plus enzymes, take half a tablet before the last mouthful of a main meal. If you experience burning or indigestion, you have plenty of HCl. Perhaps needless to say, do not proceed to consume any more tablets. If no burning or indigestion is experienced, repeat the procedure the following day with a full tablet. Again, if no discomforting sensation is experienced, repeat the following day with 2 tablets. At this point, you should be concerned that your stomach has too little acid, so you should boost the acid during meals by taking tablets for the rest of your life, or drinking wine copiously.

Consumption verdict: while it may reside in your stomach, it is not advisable to consume the stuff in any quantity, so ease up on the pool acid, will ya? Taste bud cringe factor: a definite 9/10.


LSD (“Acid”)

Lysergic Acid Diethalymide was discovered in Switzerland in 1938. It is such a potent mind-altering chemical that its dosage is typically measure in micrograms rather than milligrams, as is typical for other drugs. LSD is usually obtained on small pieces of blotter decorated with cartoon-type images, commonly called “trips” or “caps” (or so I’m told). Other packaging includes microdots and Liquid A. Trips last between 8 and 24 hours, during which mind-fucking sensory alteration/heightening is experienced (or so I’m told).

Consumption verdict: Anything measured in micrograms can be consumed a few times in your life for novelty, and while it won’t do anything to your taste buds, it’ll fry your other senses. Anything higher than these dosages could see you pawing at the walls of Tara for the rest of your life.


Fumaric acid

Used as a food flavouring because it is the sourest tasting of the organic acids (doesn’t that scream “don’t use me?”), three parts of fumaric acid are as sour as five parts of citric acid. It is documented to kill bacteria, break the elastic protein gluten in bread dough and maim taste buds. Fumaric acid is a colourless, crystalline flammable carboxylic acid (again, not something I’d ever put in food), releasing irritating maleic anhydride fumes on combustion (can you imagine what would happen if say, a fumaric acid sour sweet caught alight in your mouth? Mayhem! Taste bud-ocide!) Apparently, it is often used in place of tartaric acid, occasionally citric acid, but due to its sourness, IT MUST BE USED IN PROPORTIONALLY LOWER CONCENTRATIONS. This ingredient can be found in baking powders and beverages and those taste bud-fatal sour sweets (in the incorrect concentrations) in the queue trap snake shelves at Woolworths tills.

Consumption verdict: at your peril. You’ve been duly warned. Taste bud cringe factor: 12/10.