Property baroness

Guys, I’m glowing, and it aint even post-coital.

You see, me, I’m a leasing lass, I’m very hesitant to make even the teensy-weensiest investment (of course my beloved Mini, Ant, was a recent – and single – exception to this rule, even though the most prudent of you will argue that that’s not an investment per se), on account of the fact that this ties you down – you know, mortgage bonds and shit.

But, I recently threw caution to the wind, when my beady eye was attracted to the phrase “strategic investment” on a banner at a property sales stand in Sandton City the other day. I went to have a look-see, and decided that this kind of property investment wouldn’t really tie me down. So yesterday, me and 3 other people took the plunge and paid the deposit on this little piece of …. cabbage patch. I shit you not.

I am now the quarter-owner of a 250 sqm patch of agricultural land in South East England. Why? Because I can. Although the ownership aspect is academic at this point – the four of us have decided I’m the one who should face the brunt of the tax clearance investigation (i.e. everyone will deposit money into my account and I pay on everyone’s behalf, instead of everyone paying on their own behalf), which should pose some interesting technical debates, given my current SARS situation (they think I owe them big time, but my Dad’s tax dude says I’ve overpaid and they in fact owe me a reasonable amount). Pending the clearance of such issues, we should be all systems go, though, in which case some English farmer cedes his farm property to me and my mates.

And the really bizarre thing? I had a whole list of questions to ask (all technical kak like payment of stamp duties, property insurance, tax issues etc) but failed to ask one obvious thing: what is currently being farmed on the property? (The farming will cease once the land has been rezoned – that’s the whole point of the investment, to get the land rezoned as residential property and sell it at a fat profit to a property developer – but until such time, for legal/technical/cost issues, the land will continue to be farmed).

My guess is that it’s cabbages, which is quite useful if I fail to secure a new job in the next few years (remember, unemployment officially starts at the beginning of next month) and need to camp out for free on a piece of land, and live off its produce; although I’ve never been compelled to search for them, I’d imagine there’s an abundance of recipes involving cabbage (cabbage soup, cabbage soufflé, cabbage rosti, cabbage curry, cabbage gruel, and let’s not forget that picnic staple, the coleslaw).

I have a huge aversion to rabbits and goats and sheep, so as long as it’s not any of those, I’m quite happy that my “investment” (my boss thinks I’m ridiculous applying the term in this case. “It’s pure speculation, not investment!” he adamantly declares) is morally okay, and of course, living off the fat (profit) of the land in 5 years’ time will make the decision all the more comfortable.

If all else fails, I’ll be aiming to secure a client base for cabbage sales. I’m taking advance orders now, so be sure to let me know of your cabbage needs in the medium term. I’m running a “buy 5, get 1 free” promotion, if any of you are interested…

PS: I met someone last night who’s a blogger (a big fan of Peas) who wouldn’t tell me the name of his own blog, but nevertheless, hi dude! I couldn’t twist Peas’ rubber arm enough to reveal your site’s name just yet, but I’ll get there :)