Calories shmalories

I have had it up to here ('here' being a hand pointed at my neckline) with picky women who eat ridiculous small portions. There is a strong correlation between the size of a girl's average meal portion and the nibbly size of the bite she takes (yes, yes, I know you're thinking "...and the size of her ass", but that's not my gripe here). Small, meek women with little or no personality nibble like mice on their celery sticks. And I'm convinced that the correlation extends further - to the bedroom, where nibbly eating chicks equate to frigid, unpassionate lovers (their bodies have to conserve the energy they're not getting from their dietary intakes, you understand). Of course, the amount of time they devote to food and 'healthy eating' as a conversation topic is also inversely proportional to their portion sizes. (No, for fuck's sake, I don't care that you found this new brand of calorie-free salad dressing). Now, I know that you might think this venting stems from my bitching about my current state of chubbiness (if you can't beat 'em, then eat 'em), but really, I have been irked for the past 7 fucking months in CT by my colleague who eats less than most homeless beggars do. And now I shall unashamedly admit to my little revenge plot that I have been carrying out, ever since that fateful day in October last year when we were shoved into a house together...

Almost every second evening (when I'm not gorging at a new restaurant on my gourmet tour of CT), I have to cook dinner, and you can bet your lean asses that it's all battered, fried and sugar-coated in calorie heaven. Mathematically speaking, my glee is directly proportional to the look of dismay on her face each time my cuisine is presented.

So, call me a martyr - after all, I'm dragging myself down with her - but this is work that just has to be done. Us foodies need to rid the world of the stingy calorie-counters, after all, it's in the interest of everyone's sex lives. It's a religious quest too - spiritually speaking, there's only one Roman god that anyone longs to follow in example, and that's Bacchus - god of food, drink and hedonism.

So go on, my luvverlies, eat, drink, and indulge in that only decent calorie-burning activity, sexercise.

On the menu tonight? Bouillabaise! And chocolate fudge brownies! Mwuahahaaaa!!!!