for crazy colleague R... proof of the speed we hurtled down the M1 at...

Hell’s angel

Yip, that’s me on the back of a bike for the first time in my life… crazy colleague R (an outlier on the graph showing typical actuary personality) owns a racing bike, which he’s trading in after a rather bad accident for a respectable four-wheeled vehicle, but offered to take any willing colleague for a quick spin down the M1 before that (and yes, quite literally, a quick spin).

He committed at least three driving crimes on our five-minute journey:

1 – breaking the 60 km/h speed limit, by hurtling at 200km/h down a 300-metre stretch of road in Parktown.

2 – breaking the 120 km/h speed limit, by hurtling down a short strip of the M1 – all driven in the yellow lane of course, to dodge the pedantic law-abiding drivers in their slow cars – also at 200 km/h.

3 – by cutting across a car a hair’s breadth away while gooi-ing a U-ey on Oxford Road. His response to my outcry was “drivers don’t mind that”. Um, ja.

But I did obey my boyfriend, who last night on the phone said, “please don’t scream like a girl” and “lean into the curves with him”. The whole journey was indeed taken in my stride…

Happy weekend, y’all!

She emerges

I’ve escaped briefly from a black hole whose vortex is my work. I eat, sleep, breathe and talk work for most of each day. Ugh. But that will change, hopefully sooner rather than later…
In my lengthy blogosphere absence, too many things have happened to recount in any detail, so here are a few general thoughts/observations from the past week and a half:

1 – as much as corporate life sometimes succeeds in wearing me down, I have realised that so nature reconstructs me. I went away for the long weekend (work in tow, of course) to a game lodge in Mpumalanga, also bringing along my wine files and a wide variety of bottles of wine (for more explanation, see point 2). I’m no nature expert (every bird is a LBJ as far as I’m concerned), but there’s something about the serenity and the realisation that that ecosystem has existed almost unaltered by humans for thousands of years, that gives me a great sense of peace. On a far less spiritual level, drinking copious amounts of alcohol and braai-ing (sp?) for each meal with great company is also a great way to while away the hours. One of my friends had the ingenious idea of starting a wildlife blog for this nature reserve (something that everyone with houses on the land would probably read with interest – eg. at 6am this morning two female lions were spotted crossing Duiker road in an easterly direction). I had the even more ingenious idea that we should fake it, to up the excitement factor (I’m thinking along the lines of “waterbuck, crocodile and tree squirrel caught in the midst of a steamy mating orgy” or “new species of luminous pink leopard discovered”) – I think that would get far more readership, personally.

2 – did both my wine exams this week (2.5 hours of theory on Monday night, then a series of 7-minute blind tastings on Tuesday night). This brings me yet a step closer (many, many more to follow!) to owning a wine farm in Chile one day… I really feel it is my duty to the local wine industry to dispense some of my knowledge to all of you, and believe me, one of my upcoming posts will do just that (theory’s all good, but ultimately, the true joy of studying wine is of course in its drinking – preferably with good people, but alone if none are at hand). Coerced four other wino’s to join me for an ad-hoc after-exam dinner, so we went through to Roseboys, and ate… four bottles of Merlot (they have an extremely limited wine collection, but then I guess we’re a tough crowd to please!), and some snacky things that were provided free (olives, chips). Followed that with a ludicrously expensive visit to the Park Hyatt with one classmate (R387 for two whiskies, two ports, two espressos and one Earl Grey), and I still had wine stains on my lips on Wednesday as a result of the night’s extensive drinking activities.

3 – why have the damn birds not emigrated for the winter??? My car gets guanoed out on a regular basis at the office. No one else’s does, I never see the damn LBJ’s anywhere (although I can hear them at 5am outside my bedroom, too), but they definitely leave evidence of their presence on poor Max, whose paint is getting slowly digested away…

4 – Third Flatmate has joined my company for an extended vac work period. Given our tendency to um, debate a lot (Third Flatmate is also bolshy ex – the one who reduced me to tears over an argument in the Natal Midlands last year), it will be an interesting exercise in restraint on both our parts in not tearing each other apart in front of my colleagues. So far, I’m not sure we’re succeeding in creating an illusion of harmony. To top it off, I took a bet with him that Croatia would win the World Cup (thanks to some perhaps misguided insight from ATW), and am now in imminent danger of losing both a lot of pride and a little money over the matter.


5 – in the almost four years that the Gilb and I have been together, our parents, who live all of 7km apart (far, far closer than we do these days) have never met. That fateful event will take place on Saturday evening. How’s this for a recipe for disaster: 1 x highly conservative, right-wingish, reserved Afrikaans father, blended with 1 x fat, gossipy, overwhelmingly extroverted Italian father? Faithful vino will come to the rescue, I trust – I have 24 bottles stored at my parents’ place, and I’m not shy to use them. (The Moms will actually enjoy each other’s company, I think – they both remind me of field mice). We do have a buffer family joining us – one of the Gilb’s friends’ parents, who are a healthy combination of Afrikaans and Italian ancestry – my Dad met the Gilb’s friend (C) by accident in Wales in December last year, and together they devised this scheme to do the formal parents-meet-parents thing, using C’s parents as a go-between. I’ve had my Mom develop a heavenly menu to at least seduce their tastebuds, and over the course of the past week she’s being doing trials run on some new recipes in preparation for The Meeting. No doubt there will be much to relate on Monday…


And finally, happy birthday Jen-Jen! Hugs and kisses to youuuuu…

The thoroughly gratuitous post

I know, I know. “Good God!” you’re all screaming, “check out that amazing Andy Warhol print!”

This delightful picture embellishes the wall in Peas’ bedroom, and I so want to get my hands on it (she has many more super prints she ordered allegedly awaiting collection at SB’s house, but that’s another story – as you’ll all know).

As intriguing as Andy Warhol and his prints are, believe it or not, this is not the subject of my post. It has more to do with the recent mutual introduction of our two very dependable friends – and their first conversation went something like this:

(FTG = Flick the G – my good friend; BW = Bushwhacker – Peas’ already quite famous pal)

FTG: I’m extending my finger to you in friendship, Whacker. I’ve heard all good sorts of things about you… and, dare I say, from you.

BW: It’s rare that I get to say this, but FTG, the pleasure is all mine. I might add that TWA thinks you’re a positively perky fellow, if the rumours are anything to go by.

FTG: *blushes* Ah, you can’t trust anyone to keep a secret these days, can you?

BW: Tell me about it! Peas really doesn’t keep our budding relationship to herself, either. Honestly, she completely wears me out. I’m not sure I can keep up… I need a battery change every fortnight! Lucky I’m not real flesh or by now she’d have broken me! (author’s note: sorry Peas, just couldn’t fucking resist!)

FTG: I had the complete opposite problem for a while! When TWA moved in with Peas, she left me behind in her parents’ home very well hidden in a drawer – so well hidden, in fact, that she couldn’t find me, and had to wait for her younger sister to pull me out and ask “What’s… oh. Oh.”

BW: Funny thing that, Peas’ mom said the same thing to me the other day… looks like we’ve got a lot in common – and I don’t just mean our 9” dimensions! *snigger snigger*

FTG: *chortle chortle*

(At this point the conversation was abruptly interrupted by Peas, who said she needed a private “chat” with BW – so FTG and I got quite personal ourselves)

For more on our dear friends, check out Peas’ latest post

How to impress your boss, clients and colleagues in a few easy steps

Step 1 – get rid of the sniffle that hails oncoming flu.

By taking serious medication not available in SA. The closer the capsules resemble suppositories, the more effective.

Step 2 – combine with other heavy medication.

Take beta-blocker drugs to curb adrenalin production and hence remove the nerves that thrust you into a seizure during a public speech, and couple with a few glasses of red wine.

Step 3 – redecorate your manager’s new house.

White is so passé, don’t you think? How about dropping your glass of red wine onto the brand new tiles, thereby killing two birds with one stone and staining the porous (naturally, brand new) tiles and tablecloths simultaneously to an attractive garnet hue?

Step 4 – cheesy animation and sound effects during your Powerpoint presentation.

Fully tranquilised by aforementioned beta-blockers, make your presentation. Liberally embellish your slides with uber-cheddar animation techniques (think: words go bold when you say them out loud), and coerce the dj to do a bongo drum-roll before “unveiling” your new logo (on the next slide, of course). A particularly effective technique is to get your colleagues to gasp loudly at the “unveiling” of the logo most have managed to catch a sneak peak of already. And of course, make sure they follow this up with uproarious applause. The guests will be suitably bewildered into a similar bout of rapture (it worked in the Emperor’s New Clothes, same principle applies here).

Step 5 – Lacroix sweetie, Lacroix.

Do all the above in a fabulous (albeit frightfully tight) pearly green satin dress, matching shoes and necklace, and everything is forgiven. To the tune of thank you bottles of Chivas and Jamesons.

Mission accomplished! (with a job to return to on Monday morning)