How to impress your boss, clients and colleagues in a few easy steps

Step 1 – get rid of the sniffle that hails oncoming flu.

By taking serious medication not available in SA. The closer the capsules resemble suppositories, the more effective.

Step 2 – combine with other heavy medication.

Take beta-blocker drugs to curb adrenalin production and hence remove the nerves that thrust you into a seizure during a public speech, and couple with a few glasses of red wine.

Step 3 – redecorate your manager’s new house.

White is so passé, don’t you think? How about dropping your glass of red wine onto the brand new tiles, thereby killing two birds with one stone and staining the porous (naturally, brand new) tiles and tablecloths simultaneously to an attractive garnet hue?

Step 4 – cheesy animation and sound effects during your Powerpoint presentation.

Fully tranquilised by aforementioned beta-blockers, make your presentation. Liberally embellish your slides with uber-cheddar animation techniques (think: words go bold when you say them out loud), and coerce the dj to do a bongo drum-roll before “unveiling” your new logo (on the next slide, of course). A particularly effective technique is to get your colleagues to gasp loudly at the “unveiling” of the logo most have managed to catch a sneak peak of already. And of course, make sure they follow this up with uproarious applause. The guests will be suitably bewildered into a similar bout of rapture (it worked in the Emperor’s New Clothes, same principle applies here).

Step 5 – Lacroix sweetie, Lacroix.

Do all the above in a fabulous (albeit frightfully tight) pearly green satin dress, matching shoes and necklace, and everything is forgiven. To the tune of thank you bottles of Chivas and Jamesons.

Mission accomplished! (with a job to return to on Monday morning)