Tongue techniques

You may remember my recent report that the Gilb finds my French kissing less than adequate. Far from miraculously resolving their untoward forcefulness, my mouth/lips/tongue have steered very clear of any oral engagement (no, Rev, before you ask, I said ‘oral’ meaning my mouth on his mouth) for fear of further insult. Of course, though he would never admit it, the Gilb must be secretly relieved.

Anyhow, the only way I can think to fix this problem is to resort to wonderful Wikipedia for help on this tongue-wagging (but not tongue gagging) topic.

So I’ll share the secrets to great French kissing with you, in case you’re in the same absurd situation that I am, being involved with someone for four-and-a-half years who only reveals to you a week ago his lack of oral satisfaction. And if you’re one of the lucky ones who kisses with the best of them (but are you sure? I thought this of myself until last week, after all!) then this guide may help you in educating your lippy partners less skilled than yourselves. I gave myself the perhaps over-confident benefit of the doubt and skipped beyond the beginner’s Kissing for Teens guide and moved straight onto the activities of the croissant-eaters:

How to French Kiss

1. Moisten your lips – you know, not dry, not wet, just… the m-word (urgh!)

2. Angle your head – get the head-tilting thing right, no nose-on-nose combat

3. Close your eyes – open-eyed approach, followed by shut-eye lip contact

4. Start with a gentle and closed-mouth soft kiss – “do not lunge in with your lips agape like you’re going to eat them”. [Oops. I think sometimes I might go off the rails as early as this step}]

5. Go Dutch on the decision to go French – “Open your lips slowly and just a little during the kiss so that one of your lips is sandwiched between theirs and one of theirs is between yours. As you are locking and re-locking lips, brush your tongue against your partner's lips ever so slightly. This should make it clear that you want to French kiss” [But if your tongue is half-way down his throat that should also make it pretty clear, right?]

6. Explore with your tongue – “If you and your partner seem to be enjoying the open-mouth kiss, slowly try to open your mouth a little bit more and gently push your tongue a little farther into their mouth. The tongue is very sensitive, and the mere act of touching your partner's tongue with your own will be very pleasant and stimulating for each of you [Run! Head for the hills! Her tongue’s coming!]. Do not stick your tongue too far into the mouth, as this can be a big turn-off. Instead, just gently and playfully touch tongues.” [Oh come now, how long is a piece of string? How far is too far? Give me centimetres, damn it! Past the outer incisors? Before the soft palate?]

7. Go slow – take time to explore your partner’s mouth. [I take that as an instruction to initiate his gag reflex].

8. Mix it up – “Kisses are like snowflakes: no two are exactly the same. Once you finally feel comfortable French kissing someone, it is tempting to try to do the same thing every time. Add variety. Sometimes kiss deeper [aha!], for example, and other times pay more attention to the lips than the tongue” [Gilb’s speciality].

9. Read body language – “Everybody kisses a little differently, and each person enjoys different things in a kiss - there is no "right" way to kiss. What separates good kissers from bad is an ability to read a partner's body language and be responsive to their partner [i.e. is his dick hard?]. Of course if your partner pulls away or seems uncomfortable at any time, understand that you have to slow it down. Listen for cues that tell how much your partner is enjoying a particular kissing maneuver [Uh-oh, this sounds far too much like ballroom dancing and the battle for who leads and who follows. Which might shed light on why Gilb and I might battle in the smooching department]. If you hear a sigh or moan, or they begin kissing you back with increased intensity, realize that they are responding with fervor” [see Gilb, I only do it because I’m enjoying it so much].

10. Develop your style – “Good French kissing, like good kissing of any kind, requires practice. You will get better as you do it more [really now?]. In addition, the more practice you have with one person, the more comfortable you will feel kissing them and developing a style that suits both of you.” [No comment]. Feeling more enlightened now? But wait! There’s some handy tips to throw in, too:

Breathe!

Freshen your breath

Beware the teeth

Adapt to new kissing partners’ styles

Vary the length of the kiss

Use your hands

Talk about it [yes Gilb, that one is especially for you]

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to get back to practising my technique out on the back of my hand – I’ve got to get this thing right quick to surprise Gilb pleasantly this weekend!