Tea for two? I wish!

If I’d got my act together, I would have pipped Peas to the customer complaints blog entry. But because I’ve been scarce in the office (and hence internet access has been scarcer), I only got to sending off my complaint letter today. So now in humble homage to Peas, here’s my version of a customer complaint (far less sex-oriented, I’m afraid).

Firstly, for some context, let me explain my feelings about tea, specifically Earl Grey (you may have noticed it makes top of my Interests list on my blog profile).

The highest compliment I’ve ever paid a man, was to say I’d sacrifice all the Earl Grey tea in the world for him (and believe me, that is not a compliment I’ve thrown around lightly). Earl Grey is my drug of choice. I truly believe the success of the British Empire was founded upon tea (and yes, I know tea is not English in origin, so no retorts to that effect, please). When met by a particularly difficult rabble of annoying natives who just wouldn’t bloody give up their land to the colonial incumbents, I have no doubt that the English would have sat down, brewed a particularly good cuppa and strategised their way through the obstacles at hand. Kind of like those cringeingly embarrassing ads for Ricoffy where the son asks his father for help with his Maths homework, the father gets a worried I-can’t-remember-primary-school-arithmetic-for-shit look, then makes a cup of coffee and is suddenly enlightened. Only not.

So, without further ado, here is the email I sent to Twinings Head Office, UK. No exaggerations, I really have tried hard to find it in a number of stores. (Oh, and I conveniently included my postal address, in case they feel a fit of generosity coming on):

Dear Twinings customer care employee

I am a loyal South African fan of Twinings tea, especially your delicious Earl Grey.

I was thus very displeased when I bought a box of 50 tagless Earl Grey tea bags at a large supermarket in Johannesburg, only to find upon opening the box, that the tea was scented with cherry flavour. I returned the box to the store, was given a new one, and had the same problem upon opening it. I called the local distributor, Stafford Bros & Draeger Ltd, who were already aware of the problem. After promising me a free box for my inconvenience - which four days later has still not arrived - and having attempted to buy another box from another retailer (only to discover more cherry-flavoured Earl Grey), I would like to lay a complaint about their poor service with you.

Twinings teas are substantially more expensive than other brands in South Africa, and as such, we supporters tend to be more discerning tea consumers than those who drink regular teas. I am certain the local Twinings distributor is well aware of this, yet does not seem concerned enough to retrieve the defective stock of tea from retailers, let alone attempt to mollify vocally dissatisfied customers, in order to preserve the quality and excellence associated with your brand.

Today I will visit yet another retailer to attempt to find my beloved Twinings Earl Grey. How many other South Africans have experienced the same frustrations, have raised their concerns with Stafford Bros & Draeger, and have met with the same empty promise? How many, like me, after trying unsuccessfully for over a week, will begin to buy a local (lesser quality, but also lesser cost) Earl Grey brand, which at least delivers what it promises?

I trust the matter will be seen to promptly.

Kind regards

TWA
{insert postal address here}