Sepoenda: a visitor's guide

You would be understandably forgiven for thinking that this was a picture of Mordor. In fact, it is none other than the seething towers of the Sasol plant at Secunda (henceforth, referred to as Sepoenda, as one of Peas’ friends so charmingly rechristened it).

Seeing as I’ve spent the past two weekends there, I thought I should write a (probably not so) helpful guide for any of you planning to venture out to this endearing little town.

1. As Sepoenda lies some 150 km due east of Jozi, filling your tank on the way may be an issue. Do not leave the top up till any later than Delmas (note: I’ve only ever taken the N12/R50 route, so can’t vouch for the N17) – no other petrol station lies on the 80 km stretch between Delmas and Sepoenda.

2. Odds are you’ll miss the turn-off to Secunda from the R50 the first time you drive there. Why? Because a few metres before the T-junction, as you fly past at 140 km/h, you see a sign saying ‘Lake Umuzi Waterfront’, and carry on. Only when you hit the T-junction is there a little green sign pointing left informing you that this too, is the road to Sepoenda (the town that actually is home to this not-so-awe-inspiring waterfront), by which time you’ve sailed on by, and need to gooi a u-ey (sp?), cursing that you’ve now let all the trucks you overtook a few moments ago get ahead of you again.

3. Just before you reach the maroon power station where you turn off the R50, there’s a sign proclaiming ‘Warning – undermined area’. I’m still laughing at the pun; childish, I know.

4. The sign shortly thereafter stating ‘Dangerous Stop 300m’ fails to warn you of the even greater danger of a metre-wide, metre-deep ditch in the middle of the lane a few metres ahead.

5. After another 30-odd km you’re there. Avert eye contact with any of the male locals, who seem to assume that any glance in their direction is an invitation for a beating. Even more importantly, avoid eye contact with any of these males’ girlfriends, to preclude similar (if somewhat more dire) consequences.

6. Also avoid excessive stares at any mullet hairdo’s (or hairdon’ts, as a friend so brilliantly put it) and UV-laden spoilers/exhaust pipes/grills. Again, a beating may ensue.

7. You’re probably quite weary after a long work day and a two-hour drive there, so why not head on to Greenfields, the lodge half-way between Trichardt and Sepoenda, for a pleasant, relatively upmarket restaurant vibe? You may be lucky enough – as we were – to catch a night where they hire a DJ pumping remixes of that wondrous hit ‘McDonalds, Kentucky Fried Chicken and a Pizza Hut’ as your intestines churn with noise-induced indigestion.

8. You may wonder what it is that the locals get up to on an average night. If you are invited to a house party, by all means oblige the hosts. If you are a single man, be sure always to ask the pretty things you meet an important question: are you out of school yet? Do not be fooled by heavy make-up and precociously revealing clothes (this warning is doubly pertinent to new Sasol employees coming from bigger cities. These lasses are looking for any way to leave the trappings of town life behind them).

9. Following on from point 8, other than house parties, Sepoenda is also referred to as ‘dop-en-pompville’. Because there isn’t much else to do. The younger Sasol employees all get hitched to local lasses straight out of school, who seem to pop out babies at a scary rate. The number of Spar trolleys I saw with built-in baby seats (like the ones you get for a car) bears testament to this fact.

10. Even less remotely related to point 8, the population of Sepoenda is described by the following formula: P(x) = 4x + xy, where x is the number of employees at Sasol (currently 7,000) – hence 4x refers to the fact that every Sasol employee has hitched and popped out two kids after experiencing the delights referred to in point 9 – and y is a constant factor describing the population that thrives on providing services (such as those listed in point 12 below, along with a hefty number of obstetricians and paediatricians) to Sasol employees and their families. I believe at this point xy = 10,000, so y is approximately 1.429. This implies that Sasol employees support 1.429 people over and above their families, which isn’t surprising when you acknowledge that this town has the highest GDP per capita contribution of the whole country.

11. If you’re an older person trying to avoid any exposure to points 8 and 9 above, and you get invited around to an older resident’s house, you’re in for a treat. Dress warmly, as you’ll be entertained in the de riguer lapa, which will be decked out with a big-screen tv for better rugby viewing, and a fully-equipped bar. I hope you like your Klippies! Do not be alarmed if the hosts ask you to try out any of their hunting guns by shooting a glass from the top of the bar counter – this is entirely normal entertainment in this part of the world. If you ask nicely, they may relent and exchange the dangerous weapon for a less harmful Windbix, much to the lady of the household’s silent relief.

12. If you need to do a spot of laundry while visiting, head on to the Wishy Washy laundromat, owned by proudly-mulleted Spookie. This enterprising fellow also owns the tv repair shop and driving instructor company next door. While you wait for your laundry, head on to the nearby Secunda Corner Café for the cheapest bunny-chow of your life (R9.50, VAT and mince included).

13. Looking for a Sasol petrol station in the heart of Sasol country? There’s only one I know of, on President Swart Street. Do not gasp in great surprise that the petrol price is no cheaper than that of imported brands.

14. Bear in mind that on the return leg of the journey, you’ll be driving due west, straight into the setting sun. For two whole hours. Try to avoid starting this journey between 4:00 and 5:30 in winter, and between 5:00 and 6:00 in summer.

I hope that this brief guide has proved useful and will enhance your enjoyment of all this little town has to offer.