Gilb’s guide on how to kiss, perfectly

Okay, before I launch into the science of graunch stuff (eeeewwww! Haven’t said that word in ages), some other shitty smooching news: on a random whim yesterday, I thought to check out Gilb’s Facebook profile to see how his has grown – I humbly have to apologise to Mark Zuckerberg, seems this thing hasn’t died a quick and faddish yet, in fact there’s been a bit of a revival over the past two weeks.

Anyhow, so there I am scrolling through the Gilb’s profile, when wham! It hits me like a stray spinning sack of potatoes – one of Gilb’s buddies is an ex-girlfriend (no concerns there – in fact, another ex is there too) and… and… and… His description of how they met is “We hooked up for a bit in 2001 and she was the one who taught me how to kiss properly.”

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Taking a moment to breathe. It’s the age-old ‘ignorance is bliss’ scenario – Ant, stop bloody snooping! Of course, I confronted him about it, he just laughed and swears that he’s since “perfected what she taught [him]” and that he doesn’t kiss the same way she used to kiss him (I really shouldn’t tell you that in a moment of utter stupidity – and thank the dear Lord he’s 160km away from that flying sack of potatoes – he suggested that “maybe [I] should get some kissing lessons from her”)

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anyway, I’m determined to take this bitch out. Not with the potatoes, not with slander, not with a well-placed whoopee cushion. I’m going to take her out with my tongue (but not forcefully – in a hugely turning-on gentle probing manner) and French kiss her into a long-forgotten memory (how to word that properly? There’ll be no kissing of her at all, just out-kissing her! En garde!)

And what better way to accomplish this pleasant task than by learning the rules from the supposed maestro himself?

Here’s the Gilb’s take on the perfect kiss – there are only 3 rules, really:

1. Don’t go in for the kill too quickly – just because you’ve been given the universal “let’s French kiss” signal (i.e. parted lips and a soft dart of the tongue on your upper lip – c’mon, weren’t you reading my last lesson properly???) doesn’t mean you have to start Frenching immediately. Tease playfully for a bit, kissing with both closed and slightly-parted lips, sometimes casually stroking their lips with your tongue. When it’s really time, you’ll know – don’t just mechanically respond to the first universal signal you receive. Read the body language! [Ant’s action-list: Right, I’ll deal. Wait for a bit – BUT, not the same amount of time every time. I need some kind of varying time regime to apply. How about – first time, wait 6 minutes, second time, 4 minutes, third time, 2 minutes, and then revolve back again? That aught to throw him for at least the first four times! Brilliant!]

2. Not every intimate kiss has to degenerate into Frenching – sometimes, a closed-lip kiss is really intimate, no tongue required. Don’t fall into a pattern of always being intimate in the same way. Variety is the spice of life! [Ant’s action-list: speaking of variety, how about more Australian kisses, then? Suits me just fine! But back to the topic at hand… right, this calls for another semi-randomising procedure. How about, every nth kissing time (where n is a prime number) I initiate I do it the French way? Up until a certain count, of course, because at that point prime n’s become increasingly few and far between…]

3. French kissing is not a “I move then you move” process – the tongues should not be ‘sparring’ like swords. Learn to read your partner’s intentions – let them run with a soft probing sequence, and yield. There’s no I-probe-once-now-you-poke-back rule, because this is… you guessed it, TOO MECHANICAL! Sometimes, you want to be in control of the probing and your partner should sense this and let you roll with it, and sometimes you feel like yielding and letting the partner take over. It’s all about quid pro quo. [Ant’s action-list: look for subtle signs – probably a slightly more forceful probe indicates “I’m in charge, missy” while a lingering tongue on your lip is an invitation for you to “come on over”. But, don’t always worry too much about reading his signs – you’ve got to put your own ones out too, that’s only fair.]

Alright, I have to admit it to you, in case I unleash a wake of unhappy kissing couples in the world, I must ‘fess up: three’s a nice number, which is why there are three rules. In actual fact, the Gilb only listed the first two, I thought the third was important – in my most pleasant kissing experiences, the dude has been able to command and surrender appropriately (and Gilb’s included in this category). But, I don’t want you to take this advice from a self-confessed kak kisser, so freely ignore #3 while the first two should lead you to ecstatic kissing heights. Now pucker up!