Betrayal

Not too many things get my feathers ruffled, but yesterday, they were positively rubbed the wrong way. It’s not often a friend really disappoints you, so when it happens, it feels utterly kak. And when it’s a friend whose happy-go-lucky way you admire, who draws people into her circle and enthralls them with her enchanting personality, it feels quadruple kak.

Should I be airing the sordid details here, for all and sundry to read? I dunno, but writing’s cathartic and I need some emotional release.

After my stupid, embarrassing antics at the jacuzzi party a few weeks’ back, that almost cost me a great 3-year old relationship, I decided it was time to make amends with my partner in crime. Why? Because I hate leaving things unsaid, ending on a bad note, and especially don’t want to jeopardise my social interactions with the good friend of paragraph one, nor those of my partner in crime’s with her, either.

I admit some dumb SMS’s were traded between her and I, mostly relating to the sudden interest some of her other friends were showing in me, but I thought she knew I was joking – after all, I was following her jokes and tone of conversation in all of this. Evidently, she misunderstood me, because I got a couple of really bewildering emails from her yesterday, and I couldn’t understand whether she was pissed off or just badly wording things, so that it just seemed she was pissed off when she wasn’t.

I called her to figure out what the hell was going on, and I got the immense feeling she’d put a lot of words into my mouth that I hadn’t ever conceived of saying, and passed those on to others too. Do you not know me better than to think I have some malicious streak in me that wants to get back at my partner in crime by feigning interest in him so that he gets interested in me, then I can “dump” him and hurt him, thereby exacting my revenge? (Sounds a lot like what one of us was originally trying to do with someone a while back, now doesn’t it?) After all, it was my fault as much as his. Anyhow, I had made plans to meet up with him (originally on her well-wishes, I might add), to smooth the situation out, and get to know him like most people get to know other people, through intelligent conversation. Those plans, I thought, went smoothly, the intention of our meeting, I thought, was clear – so why the confusion, the turmoil? After the weird emails from my friend, I emailed the guy stating very clearly my intentions were none but about ‘damage control’, and perhaps meeting someone who was a genuinely good, interesting person who – heaven forbid – might one day become a friend too. I’m glad we at least had the agenda straight, because we did meet last night, and the conversation we had was one of the best I’ve had in ages. Who knows? In another situation, where both of us were single, I could have found myself extremely attracted to him. But it’s not that situation; I have a boyfriend I love to bits; a friend with whom I can hopefully sort out my differences; and a potential friend in the making.

To the anonymous missus of the above: I love you like crazy, chick, and want nothing but the best for you and your friends. But I want you to understand how much you’ve hurt me. If The Gilb had broken up with me after the ‘incident’, I’d have been truly upset, but at least I would have deserved it. This, from you, I don’t deserve. I feel betrayed. I hope for my benefit – and for yours – that we can work this out, because I really believe we have some good times to share in the future, and I want nothing more than for those to materialize.