The pointless update (no doubt many more to follow)

Ladies and gentlemen, I do not yet have the certificate to prove it, but I think it’s safe to say that I have qualified in the Introduction to SA Wines course offered by that venerable institution, the Cape Wine Academy. I can wax lyrical about nose, body, balance, finish, viticulture, viniculture, but am a little wobbly on identifying it all during a tasting! But then, there’s Certificate, Diploma and Winemasters courses to assist in that department.

After the exam last night (which had some ridiculous stupid questions aimed at marketing the institution and had no relevance to the topic – or am I just saying that because I’m bitter that I didn’t bother learning that section and hence didn’t have a sodding clue as to the answer), we all went out for dinner at a fancy little-known restaurant nestled deep in tree-lined innards of Rivonia, where we each brought a bottle of wine to share and enjoy with our meal. I ended up sitting next to the two people who know most about wine in our course (one, a know-it-all wine importer/distributor, the other, an unlikely-looking Melville waiter with an army-cut hairdo, a very heavy Afrikaans accent, and a scooter). Both brought better wines than I had (so there goes my plan to impress – I just knew I should have whipped out my Saxenburg Reserve Shiraz), and the waiter brought two! I’m relieved I got the nod of approval - my wine was unusual and I asked for my sirloin to be walking off the plate, otherwise they’d not have given me a second glance (or more importantly, a second glass).

Now, we all know that letting a bottle go to waste is a shameful thing – after all, think of all the people in Somalia who have nothing, when here we are wasting the precious fruits of a vineyard – but if it is a premium wine, then no redemption can ever be granted. So, four bottles between the three of us, some wine name-dropping later, and we were plastered. In fact, my head was still spinning this morning at work, and I can only be grateful that I bowed out of the invitation to drop in at some larny place for a few single malts (very uncharacteristic of me, I like being there till the very end).

So, you’re waiting for the point of this story. Well, I’m afraid there is none. Just thought I had to tell you I’m through the first wine course. And I’ll be doing the second early next year. And my new pot plant Ezekiel is just loving his desk space in Pretoria. And my new hair do makes me look like a blonde Sinead O’Connor. And today I was decked out all in white, right down to the accessories, bra and g-string. And I think I’ll stop right there.