Purple – the colour of sexual frustration and sexual violence

Last night, I was horny as hell. And, in what is becoming a frightening routine, my boyfriend left our flat early – again – too tired to perform his manly duties before heading home for bed!

Compounding this frustrating scenario was the fact that even my supposedly-abstaining flatmate, Peas, got some last night. So, the only thing left for a lady to do in this situation is take the matter into her own hands.

And boy did I. Unfortunately, perhaps with too much vim and vigour. When I went to pee this morning, I discovered upon wiping myself, that I was a little tender from the excessive activity last night. And now I wonder how much enjoyment will be gained from tonight’s sexual activities (which will happen, last night I made the Gilb swear we’d have sex tonight) – how long does fnu bruise take to disappear?