If I were…

a tea…

I’d be a lapsang souchong. You’d be in a restaurant, think “oooh! That sounds exotic” so you’d order it, take one sip, spit it out and go “shit, that’s disgusting! I can’t believe I just spent 15 bucks on this!”

a book…

I’d be Jonathan Franzen’s The Corrections – everyone loves a good read about dysfunctional American society. It’s beautifully written, too – I couldn’t ever be a kak book.

a piece of furniture…

Never a table (Peas would throw me out, see)! I’d be an antique crotchety grandfather clock – the type all visitors admire, but the owners secretly despise, because they keep having to wind it up, and it keeps going off every hour, on the hour, which would exasperate them when it woke them up at 4am with their bad hangovers.

a famous person…

Definitely Winston Churchill, but less because he was a brilliant statesman, and more because he was incredibly witty, and could spell and punctuate with the best of them.

(disturbed geniuses are also appealing – Mozart, Newton, Turner, D.H. Lawrence – any of these types would suffice, too)

a sex position…

I’d be something simple and practical bringing pleasure to all parties concerned, yet not so conventional as to be dismissed as “routine”. So probably sex up against a wall or doorframe. Horny, urgent, forcefully thrusting sex. Oh yes. Oh. Yes.

an element from the periodic table of elements…

Well, this one’s a toss up, because on the one hand, I could be an electron slut like fluorine, yet on the other, I could be praseodymium so everyone would be all “huh? Never heard of that one before, lemme go look it up”. Educating the masses, you see.

an element of the other type…

I’d be wind. It howls destructively, dancing a vicious tango with trees and rooftops; it provides soothing relief to hot, salty skin; it delights pleasure-seekers flying kites, kite-surfing, or parasailing; it plays a part dispersing life by carrying plants’ seeds to new ground. I’d just rather not be the wind emanating from anyone’s ass.


a colour…

What’s that terrible muddy-brown-shit colour that no-one likes? Well, I wouldn’t be that – I’d be a tranquil, calming shade of green. A sort of avocado-meets-mint-cross-breeding-with-snow kind of green.



a cartoon character…

I’d be Bubbles from The Powerpuff Girls. She’s totally me, in animation form.


a natural landform…

I’d be something vast and breathtaking, set in a stark landscape. Probably a monolithic glacier at the ice-caps, or perhaps a dune – you get to travel around a bit.

a pizza…

I’d be pizza alla formica (this would be a bit of a misnomer as nothing would look ant-like on it, but hey, it needs a name, right?) with the following toppings: pesto, artichokes (freshly grilled, of course), rocket, chunky wedges of smoked salami and parmesan shavings. You could only order it with a thin base, and you’d never, ever be allowed to order pineapple as an extra topping. Pineapple does not belong on a pizza, infidels.

a South African wine…

Oh mama! What a difficult choice! Can I alternate from one month to the next? Like be a Meinert merlot one month, a Springfield Wholeberry Cabernet the next, an Avondale Shiraz thereafter? Please? Just never anything from Spier. Ever.