Love noises
Firstly, I apologise, I will have been talking dirty sex-talk on this blog for two consecutive posts, and it might begin to get a bit boring. Secondly, Peas and I had two sex-related conversations last night, so we divvied them up for our readers. And I think we’ve exhausted the topics, for the rest of the week, at least…
Ant: So I heard you last night.
Peas: [looking worried] What do you mean?
Ant: You know exactly what I mean… “Yessss!” “Ooooh!” “Don’t fucking stop!”
Peas: [aghast] Oh. Fuck. You’re kidding me!
Ant: No. We can ask the neighbours, too. Are you denying you screamed out “Don’t fucking stop!” last night?
Peas: No. I’m mortified. Did you hear Smoking Legs?
Ant: Nope, nada. It was pretty much just you, you know… grunting as usual.
Peas: *gasps* [indignant] I do not grunt! I… I… fucking moan appreciatively.
Ant: You’re right. Like a cow giving birth to a hedgehog.
Peas: I resent that. I am a sexy lovemaker.
Ant: *vomit reflex* I’m sorry, what? WHAT?
Peas: Shit. I meant “shag” in a sexy way.
Ant: No, I don’t think so. I could hear you weren’t “shagging”.
Peas: Yes we were.
Ant No you weren’t.
Peas: Yes we were.
Ant: No you weren’t.
[repeats ad infinitum]
Peas: Let’s talk about the noises you make, missy.
Ant: What? I don’t make any noises! I’m considerate, skank-ho.
Peas: Firstly, it’s “skank-whore”. Secondly, I’ve heard you, like 8 times.
Ant: What. Ever. Fine, what do I sound like, then?
Peas: aaaaaahhhhh yes! Yes! Aaaaaaaaahhhhhhh… [fading to the end]
Peas: Basically, you sound like a lemming on acid hurling itself off the face of a cliff, with that fading noise you’d hear if you were listening from the top of the cliff.
Ant: So I sound like a punctured tyre? A wounded bat?
Peas: No – louder. Much louder. And about half as sexy as me. Because I don’t grunt.
Ant: For the record, I’m denying your claims. I moan seductively, I gasp becomingly.
Peas: My ass.
Ant: Well, let’s record ourselves then, and play it back to each other.
Peas: That’s sick. But great. I’ll prove I’m not a labouring bovine, you’ll confirm you’re a suicidal rodent.
Ant: Fine. You want to hear the worst sexual noise? If I heard a woman doing this, I’d climb right off and walk out, starkers.
Peas: Worse than us? Bring it on!
Ant: [puts on porno – the same porno with my shoes]
Porno chick: Yeaaahhhh! Yeaaa-HAAAAH! Fuck me with that dildo!
Porno chick 2: Ohhh yeah! That’s a naughty pussy you’ve got! Fuck that dildo!
Peas: thank God we don’t sound like that.
Ant: It would be good for an experiment, though. Like if we were shagging Gilb and Smoking Dick and suddenly spoke like that.
Peas: What, like “Ohhhh Yeaaaaa-HAAAAH! Fuck me like it’s a dildo!”
Ant: Exactly. They’d be instantly revolted and would belt for the door. We should probably do it at the same time.
Peas: …and we’d run after them wielding our dildos! Hilarious.
Ant: Cool, how’s this Friday suit you?
Peas: Game on!
posted by Third World Ant @ 9:02 am
18 Comments:
crikey...that was educational for a sexually inexperienced mofo like me!
Note for me: when it happens try not to sound either like a)a cow giving birth (or something remotely like that) or b)a suicidal rat!
Dear god...I'll be thinking more about the sounds or grunts rather than the experience...not that the first is anything to go by...I know this!
But notes taken!
Interesting though...esp the porno part...why do you have porn? Especially two chicks together bar the male?!?
Wahahahahahahaha!
I won't even begin to discuss my noises. Now can't you and Peas do something like recording this, and then podcasting it across the net?
*evil grin*
WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA
And
WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
This is CLASSIC. :)
Jam, you aren't thinking big enough. It's gotta be YouTube at the very least.
Arrrgh.
That reminded me of what I tried so hard to block out.
My bf's (dead unsexy) roomie and his (ugh) gf having rodent sex in the bath last night right next to our room.
*grunt* *sploosh* *aaargh* *inhale* *splash* *grunt*
sies!
Kab - I don't think you can help the way you sound, so being overly self-conscious about it will only ruin the event! Re: the chicks in the porn - this was the porno my colleague gave me that apparently had my shoes in it. It has lots of soft-porn stuff, with 3 major sex scenes: 2 x guy-on-girl; 1 x girl-on-girl-on-girl. It was the third scene from which the noises emanated.
Jam / Kyk - what, so now you want us to show our cum faces to the world as well as our grunting/wailing noises?
Peas - i can't believe we've exposed this to the world. oops. let's categorically deny everything!
HPF - *shudder* It's always ok when we do it, never acceptable when the roomie does it, though...
Ant - let's plead the fifth. It never happened right?
Ant, if you girls are going to be crying ho, shouldn't you be dressing ho as well. Might as well set the boys up for a full on porno experience.
You can post a pic of your porno bling!
Ohh....best you find some 70's porno backing track to set the mood...hahahaha
omg, hahahahahahhahahahahahaha
Almost every woman I have had the pleasure of shagging grunts, what's up with that? Do any woman actually moan seductively?
I'm not complaining mind you as the grunting is generally quite sexy, just curious :)
Peas - what never happened? ;)
Rev - oh. boy. I sense something terrifying about to happen - something that will relieve Paris as queen of porno.
Jon - it's a visceral, instinctive reponse. you don't think about it, it just happens. Guys seems to have a more varied response, in my experience...
You hear that Ant?
Jon just said my grunting was SEXY.
:)
Hey peas
Grunting is raw and animalistic, just makes the whole experience seem so dirty. And that ladies and gents is a very good thing :)
Any chance of you posting up a sound clip of your uber sexy grunting?
roomies shagging loudly next door...cruel and unusual punishment.
You, my dear, are an absolute biscuit.. And the finest Ceylon Walter's Bay Earl Grey cuppa tea. You made my day.
:-).
oh god please no! i have heard your collective wailing before. if you're both that bad at karaoke then i shudder to imagine ;P
(don't forget the low light filter for the handycam ;)
Wit - glad you like it, and happy to have made your day :) Had a mini heart-attack when calling your office to get the address: I asked the receptionist to confirm you worked there, and she almost put me through to you!
Chewwie - mister, no cheeky 'wailing' comments until you've been up onto the stage and put your own skills to the test! And thanks for the handy tip ;)
last time i did bohemian rhapsody, air guitar and alles ;P admittedly tequila had a big say in what was happening that night
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