I've been a substitute wank about 500 times

Whew. First up, let me just inform you all that a mate of mine shagged her recently-acquired boyfriend for the first time on Friday night, and by Sunday night had done the dirty 9 times. Just so you all know.

Now, back to that rather prevalent topic of recent times, the penis. But, not so much about its physiognomy, more about its function. I went to a "hoer en boer" party on Saturday night, where the conversation drifted to masturbation, as it so often does. Except this time, my boyfriend revised his estimate of the average number of times a week he wanks. Originally, he'd told me it was a three-times-a-week thing, but on Saturday he stated that it's always been a seven-times-a-week thing. Except on days when he and I see each other (which usually results in a shag, which he informs me overrides the urge to wank). So, if you count a shag as a wank, that's 7 days a week, 52 weeks a year, for around 13 years, which is: 4,732 wanks. (I, on the other hand, come out at between 900 and 1,200 self-loving performances in my lifetime).

Given that the boyf and I have been having sex for about 34 months, at an average rate of 3 times a week (not entirely true, when I was down in Cape Town working for nine months I'd only come to Joburg every three weeks for a weekend, but obviously there was a greater concentration of sexual activity during the visits), that comes out at 408 shags. During this time, he would have "spilt his seed" 952 times, minus the 408 wank-substituting-shags, which is 544 times.

Hmmmm. I'm not trying to make a point, just putting the facts out there. "Keeping you all informed, even when you don't want to know." Now wouldn't that be a great catch-phrase for my own talk show?