Tagged!

Peas tagged me on Friday, requesting a list of ten waitrons I would want to serve her guests at a fantasy dinner (she claims she tagged me to do my own fantasy dinner list, but that’s not what I understood from reading her request)

What kind of fantasy dinner doesn’t go down without some kind of skandaal? Some lust to get the juices flowing, some bile to aid the digestion process.


So, for the fantasy dinner from hell/heaven (up to you to decide which), the guest/waitron combinations are:


1) Peas – Paris Hilton. Because it’d be glorious to watch the heiress having to serve on anyone. (A great episode for The Simple Life, perhaps?) And because Peas loathes her every inch of flesh, so some spitting commentary is bound to pass between them
2) Alicia Keyes – Scarlett Johannson. While Peas can drool over her lesbian fantasy, I can lust after mine. Can you imagine how delectable she’ll look in a French maid’s outfit? Mmmm-mmmmm…
3) Jake Gyllenhaal – Me. While not actually as much a fan as Peas is, it’ll make her green with envy! I’ll wear my lucky underwear just in case… Plus, I have to be there for reasons stated in #2. Menage?
4) The Queen – actually my favourite personality in Peas’ list, largely because she’ll sure as hell enjoy a good cup o’ Earl Grey. Peas, please ensure there’s some damn good china lying about to serve it in, mkay? But who to serve her… I know! Our favourite neighbour, Bob Mugabe! “Slave of the colonial empire, would you be a dear and pour me a second cuppa?” “Take your England and shove it, old hag!” “Oh I already have, my dear, right up where your sun don’t shine! Now hop to it, with a quarter teaspoon of sugar!”
5) Eddie Izzard – Billy Connolly, obviously. The professional rivalry would result in some fine, fine quips, and the dear Queen chuckling so hard she’ll spill hot tea all over Bob, whose third-degree burns he’ll find hard to have attended to in Zim.
3) Tchaikovsky – Hitler. Because the thought of waiting on a gay communist would absolutely infuriate him. Plus, his funny soldier march routine will be quite entertaining while he’s trying to balance a tray of champagne flutes in one hand.
7) Michael Bolton – a real toughie, this one. So I’m going to say Jenna Jameson, and hope that will bring some entertainment factor out of this dull dinner choice (sorry Peas!)
8) Chris Rock – as though this party couldn’t get any more inflammatory: Kramer from Seinfeld, who was recently accused of making racist comments in public, to which Mr Rock replied in a statement that if the two were ever to meet, the situation would result in fisticuffs. Hmmmm… we might need a doctor on the scene?
9) Michael Naicker – there are too many funny people at this infernal fantasy dinner, so let’s dampen the mood a bit. We’ve got a mix of men and women, blacks and whites, gays and straights, sexies and unsexies… but no-one astoundingly intelligent or physically disabled. So let’s roll these two attributes into one package, in the form of Stephen Hawking (if I were going to be un-PC about the affair, I’d make a joke about how funny it would be to see him carrying in a tray on his wheelchair, but I’ll leave that hot potato to Mike Naick)
10) Twakkie/Corne – Corne/Twakkie. Because this duo would be only half as funny if it was only half represented.

(Jam and Rev, wanna have a go at listing ten hot topics of conversation that will go down at this sordid party?)