Stinky behaviour at the stinky dam

Q: What’s drunk, foul-tempered and stumbles like a cripple who’s lost her crutches?

A: Third World Ant at Hartbeespoort after a few tokes and two thirds of a bottle of vodka mixed with grapefruit juice in a ratio of 1:2.

It was one of those weekends – the ones where you’re determined to make a big one of it, and end up toasted in bed by 8pm (in my defence, though, we started knocking them back at 11am). Quite sad, actually. I swear this is: truly the last time I smoke and drink simultaneously; truly the last time I get so drunk I terrorise the host’s dog with a very long stick that he couldn’t possibly fetch; truly the last time I wander off in search of a pool and accidentally wake up passed out in someone else’s yard.

The Gilb tells me I abused him (slapped him twice for no apparent reason) and after getting fed up with my drunken antics, cunningly got me into bed at 8. He says he pleaded with me for a while to retire to the bedroom (“no! I’sh perfectshly fine, damnit!”) and then used reverse psychology to do the trick (“I’m a little tired and I want to go lie down for a bit!” he said. “Oh, okay! In that case I’ll join you for a bit!”) So he half-carried me home, tucked me into bed, lay there until I fell asleep and then returned to the party. “Finally, a man who knows how to control you” one of my sympathetic friends told me after I recounted the story.

[Two of my friends pulled through from about 2-5, thankfully they left before total chaos ensued and I only threw my name in front of the Gilb’s friends later.]

On a complete aside, the Gilb tells me if he were pressed to pick a lover from the options of Jake Gyllenhaal and Heath Ledger (Brokeback Mountain cast) he’d pick Jake. I’m astounded by that choice, I had him pegged as the Heath type, myself. When I asked why, he said Jake was prettier. Though he hastened to add he’d want to see the size of their penises. I retorted with “true – you’d definitely want the smaller one up there” to which his incredulous reply was “are you crazy? I’d want to feel filled. It’s all about the depth, you know.” Okay, so he outgayed me there. On the bright side, if we ever got a chance to swing with that couple, there’d be no argument – I’d take Heath in an instant.

On another complete aside, I just realised I have two friend couples whose names rhyme. Xxxxed and Xxxxed, and Xxxan and Xxxan. What are the odds? I have now renamed these pairs the rhyming couplets.